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Alex Constantine - March 4, 2023

By Alphonse Konstantin
Internet Research Agency, March 4, 2023
A resident of Palm Beach, Florida took this photo of a balloon the size of 19 nuclear-capable Islander short-range ballistic missiles floating overhead. The balloon appears to be manned, possibly by two hostile horned entities from the seventh circle of Hell.
China's President Xi issued a statement this afternoon denying responsibility. "What is wrong with you capitalist donkeys?" he said. "It's just a stupid balloon. Don't wet your pants over it."
Witnesses reported an amplified voice blasting from the balloon's gondola, threatening "total annihilation of the continental US " if the 2020 election isn't reversed, and Donald Trump restored to his "rightful place in the White House immediately, because everyone knows that a rigged election is a violation of the Constitution, and it isn't fair. Dump far-far-far-far left Joe Biden, or you're not going to have a country anymore."
General Thaddeus "Thunderbolt" Ross told attendees at an impromptu press conference in the Pentagon briefing room that the balloon's origin is a total mystery, but scoffed at the notion that "a swollen, light-weight bag of flatulence could annihilate a region wider in radius than encompassed by the deep Southern states." The room was filled with audible sighs of relief.
"The Pentagon is presently formulating a plan to deal with this crisis," General Ross said. "The balloon may be armed with nuclear warheads, so there has been no attempt to shoot it down. Unfortunately, all classified files on preparedness  for nuclear-armed balloon attacks seem to have disappeared. We are attempting to locate the missing files. But the absence of all pertinent files has delayed an appropriate military solution. I am in favor of gamma ray bombardment, but we are exercising an abundance of caution. In the meantime, the Joint Chiefs have called an emergency meeting. I will have more information for you shortly."
The Pentagon is investigating, but it may be many years before a vague, heavily-redacted report is released to the public.

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