Alex Constantine - February 5, 2023
By Alphonse Constantine - Feb. 4, 2023
Panic-stricken Americans -- fearing an attack by the immense Chinese spy balloon that darkened skies across the nation the past few days -- hoarded supplies of bottled water, toilet paper, diapers, hot dog buns and Immanuel Kant's treatises on logical positivism, exhausting supplies of life-sustaining essentials and leaving store shelves barren.
In Kansas, hors d'oeuvre picks and napkin rings were in short supply.
Hand-rolled cigars were scarce across the mid-west, even in Cuba, Missouri.
Food riots and stampedes in Arkansas, Missouri and Nebraska killed at least 237 residents. A furious gun battle in St. Louis over a bottle of diet cola broke out, resulting in casualties that blocked aisles and inconvenienced dozens of Costco shoppers. After the smoke settled, one woman was seen wandering senselessly through the parking lot, screaming, "I have a card!"
Police responded to reports of looting in Chicago yesterday at porn shops across the city. In Cincinnati, residents defied orders to evacuate, bravely risking death to protect their properties, and watch the UC game on TV.
Public officials issued statements imploring Americans to remain calm.
Some have taken matters into their own hands. In Michigan, members of the Wolverine militia turned out with high-powered automatic rifles. They fired thousands of rounds into the sky, though thee path of the balloon threat was 500 miles away.
"We are protecting our freedoms," militia leader Chuck Hitler told reporters.
"Hunter Biden is hiding in that gondola," he said, pointing skyward, "at the behest of his Slant friends, Nancy Pelosi and the Jews. The slimy little toot is trying to slip out of the country in a balloon. But Asian Jewry is on the run. They will not be harvesting American organs this day. Incidentally, we will all be turning out tonight for an open prayer vigil in the basement of the Renaissance Hotel."
"Why the Renaissance?" a reporter said.
"Rib night," Hitler explained. "Come one, come all. USA! USA!"
Pentagon officials were reluctant to shoot it down because a downed balloon could potentially kill thousands, and cause many billions of dollars of property damage.
"The balloon's flight path was primarily over red states", General Gnatworth said, requesting anonymity. "Otherwise, we would have shot the pup, you bet."
In Lexington, Kentucky, there was panic in the streets. The city's coalition of ex workers issued a statement ...