Alex Constantine - February 5, 2023
By Alphonse Constantine - Feb. 4, 2023
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In Kansas, hors d'oeuvre picks and napkin rings were in short supply.
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Food riots and stampedes in Arkansas, Missouri and Nebraska killed at least 237 residents. A furious gun battle in St. Louis over a bottle of diet cola broke out, resulting in casualties that blocked aisles and inconvenienced dozens of Costco shoppers. After the smoke settled, one woman was seen wandering senselessly through the parking lot, screaming, "I have a card!"
Police responded to reports of looting in Chicago yesterday at porn shops across the city. In Cincinnati, residents defied orders to evacuate, bravely risking death to protect their properties, and watch the UC game on TV.
Public officials issued statements imploring Americans to remain calm.
Some have taken matters into their own hands. In Michigan, members of the Wolverine militia turned out with high-powered automatic rifles. They fired thousands of rounds into the sky, though thee path of the balloon threat was 500 miles away.
"We are protecting our freedoms," militia leader Chuck Hitler told reporters.
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"Why the Renaissance?" a reporter said.
"Rib night," Hitler explained. "Come one, come all. USA! USA!"
Pentagon officials were reluctant to shoot it down because a downed balloon could potentially kill thousands, and cause many billions of dollars of property damage.
"The balloon's flight path was primarily over red states", General Gnatworth said, requesting anonymity. "Otherwise, we would have shot the pup, you bet."
In Lexington, Kentucky, there was panic in the streets. The city's coalition of ex workers issued a statement ...