Alex Constantine - January 27, 2024
Dear Miss Know-it-All: For years, I've wondered why it is that Donald Trump's skin and hair appear to have that distinctive Halloween-orange tint. I would greatly appreciate it if you can resolve this mystery for me. I can't tell you how much sleep I've lost trying to make sense of this anomaly. - Exhausted
Dear Exhausted: Biology as we know it has no explanation for Mr. Trump's unusual coloration, so you've come to the right place.
It is widely assumed that Mr. Trump uses make-up to hide his pasty pallor and advanced age. Not so.
During the 2016 primaries, Miss Know-it-All undertook a personal interrogation of his genetic make-up to dispel the mystery. Miss Know-it-All infiltrated a MAGA campaign fundraiser in Atlanta, and collected a sample of his DNA from paper cup of Diet Coke he left at the bar. Analysis of Mr. Trump's DNA revealed a then-unknown phenomenon: his genetic code is adulterated by urea, the primary nitrogenous by-product that results from the metabolic breakdown and accretion of proteins in mammals.
Urea is has been known, in some extremely rare cases, to denature DNA by disrupting hydrogen molecule bonding interactions, and a gradual multiple receptor reconfiguration culminates with epigenetic osmosis. It can also destabilize the inherent structure of RNA. In these instances, it behaves as a hydrogen-bond donor and acceptor, thereby altering the structure of recombinant nucleic acids.
In other words, he is partially composed of pee. He is an anthropological marvel -- half human being, half commode.
Urea is normally passed through the bladder. The prevalence of the waste substance in Mr. Trump's helical composition is explained by the fact that he former president is a urea addict. This was the meaning of Miss Know-it-All's deoxyribonucleic analysis.
The presence of urea compound in his epigenetic material, combined with the red blood in his outer epidermal capillaries, give him that peculiar orange glow.
The former president has been ingesting urea since he was an infant. A former nursemaid in the Trump household informs me that young Donald teethed on his own soiled diapers.
As Miss Know-it-All has reconstructed the history of his dependence, the "Orange Man" has consumed urine form the age of three months to the present day. If he misses a fix, he tends to glare straight ahead with a ferocious expression on his face, the famous "mug shot" look. Notice that his skin is quite pale in the mugs. He is off the micturate, suffering through a state of withdrawal after a period of dehydration on a warm day or under sweltering hot stage lights. Now, examine photos of Mr. Trump at a campaign rally, his skin and hair have that that signature pumpkin tint. He is upbeat and articulate. He's been binging. When he's off the sauce, he tends to babble, is easily confused, utters ludicrous gaffes. He struggles to utter a simple declarative sentence, cand is incapable of distinguishing Nancy Pelosi from a South Carolina airhead. There are numerous examples: airports in the 18th century, magnets that "don't work when you pour water on them," the injection of bleach to kill a virus. Give him a cup of wee-wee, and he's in the peach, raping women, demonizing minorities, hatching fascist banana republic coup plots - the leader Republicans know and love more than Jesus Christ.
So there you have it. Mystery solved.
One day, Vladimir Putin may release the infamous Trump pee tape, which, according to my Russian sources, captures the licentious ex-president sipping his favorite beverage with painted ladies in a hotel room once occupied by Barack Obama. Mr. Trump is terrified of the tape and will do anything to prevent its release. He has gone so far as to steal highly-classified DoD documents and pass photocopies to the FSB to appease the Russian autocrat, who was very angry that the incumbent lost the 2020 election despite the generous assistance with his campaign accorded him by Russian intelligence agents.
As for his Diet Coke habit, the soft drink tastes like urea, and that is why he is so fond of it.
Miss Know-it-All hasn't even touched on the consequent damage to cellular brain tissue that comes with a lifetime of urea toxicity, but I never, ever belabor the obvious. However, perhaps Miss Know-it-All will explain it in detail in a future column after publishing her findings for peer review.
There, now you can sleep at night. Sweet dreams!
(Miss Know-All holds 14 degrees from Harvard University in disciplines ranging from microbiological metaphysics to reptilian epistemology, and she was recently named the "Personification of MENSA." She has received numerous awards for advancements she has made in the study of pharmacology, advanced mathematics, astrophysics, molecular biology, economics, history, political science, Middle English semantics, music theory, archeology, literary criticism, etc. She is engaged to 'the most interesting man in the world," breeds French-speaking peacocks, and once scaled Mount Everest in a a string bikini "when no one was looking." She never sleeps.)
Lawsuits are incredibly costly and time-consuming, so we are forced to state that Miss Know-it-All's opinions are her own, and that the editors of CR do not necessarily share them. Maybe we do and maybe we don't. But then, we don't know what she is talking about half the time. After working on a few of her column entries, Roy Roysnoot, our fact-checker, became clinically depressed and is currently undergoing intensive therapy. She will squash any greedy legal dung-beetle who attempts to shake her down. But the publisher insists that we run the disclaimer anyways because he's a spineless dotard who thinks he's God's gift to journalism or something.